There’s so much stuff out there on the net about keys to a successful relationship. If you ask the omniscient Mr Google, in 5 minutes you will realise that there are a few basic things you need for a relationship to work, recommended by all experts alike.
The more obvious keys to a successful relationship:
Love
Trust
Communication
Shared values and goals
Enjoying each others company
…to name some of the most frequently cited ones.
Ok, so what if you’re pretty much sorted on those, and yet you still seem to be having problems that make you question whether or not this relationship is right for you?
Well, first let me point out, if you haven’t already got it, that any successful relationship will always have its fair share of problems. The question you have to ask yourself is… “Is the proportion of problems, arguments, fighting etc, greater than the good moments?”
If your answer is “yes” to that question then you need to look very carefully at what’s going on between the two of you. In particular you need to focus on something that is very easily overlooked in these situations…
Yourself.
Too many people forget that what happens to you, how people respond to you, how they treat you, is for the most part the result of what you are projecting outwards.
How you experience life is a reflection of the kind of person you are. (TWEET THIS)
Think about it… if you go around expecting things to be how you want, and get irritable when they aren’t, then the tone of your voice, and the language you use will cause others close to you to react in ways that you don’t like.
If you are a pessimistic person, always expecting bad things to happen, your subconscious mind will lead you into situations that confirm the way you think. If you try to manipulate people or situations to please you and make you happy you will end up frustrated because you can’t control external things like that.
So if you feel that in spite of having love, communication, and trust, there is still something wrong with the relationship perhaps you are missing the other, often overlooked, keys to a successful relationship, which are about working on yourself.
The Less Obvious Keys to a Successful Relationship
1. Don’t put all the responsibility for your happiness onto your partner
She is only human. She can’t, and won’t, always make you happy.
If that’s what you are expecting you are setting yourself up for frustration, disappointment, and unhappiness.
Don’t do it.
Instead look to get happiness from yourself. Connect with your inner spirit, which is the source of your strength and true joy. Get your happiness from doing the things you love in life.
Give time for yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company, without your partner. Spending quality time by yourself occasionally is very healthy for a relationship, and will not only make you feel better about yourself, but will also give your partner space, and inspire more respect.
Happiness is a decision – choose to be happy today.
2. Don’t expect him to meet your needs in exactly the way you want.
He is different from you – he shows his love in different kinds of ways.
He does things for you that you don’t even realise, because it’s not what you expect. Understand that, and look for those things which he does for you, and learn to value and appreciate them.
We all have needs and it is important to our spiritual and psychological health that we get those needs met. Learn what his most important needs are and try to meet those needs… I promise you will see a big change in the quality of your relationship
3. Learn her language.
Again, understand that she is different from you. She expresses her needs in a different language. If you do for her only the things you assume she wants, you may get frustrated when she doesn’t acknowledge your efforts.
Listen carefully to her language. Don’t make the mistake of not paying attention to it, just because it’s not what you would normally expect.
4. Be self-confident.
Always value yourself, even when he speaks to you with hurtful words. Remember your inner connection with your spiritual self. That is your strength. Use it.
Nurture your self-esteem by doing the things you love, and striving for your goals in life.
Build more self-confidence by overcoming your fears. Do those things you always wanted to do but were too nervous or afraid. When you don something that once scared you, you feel invincible!
Your own self-confidence will inspire great respect and admiration from your partner. It will also make them feel more relaxed and secure that you are good for them.
5. Finally, don’t try to change her.
We are all on our individual path of growth and development, even within a relationship. You must respect the path of your partner, let them learn their own lessons. That is the only way they will grow and flourish.
When you try to change someone it has the opposite effect. You create more resistance in them, more barriers, and more friction between the two of you.
Love her as she is. Remember the first reasons why you fell in love with her.
Accept her faults, don’t try to change them.
When you yourself become more happy, more self-confident by doing the things you love and connecting with your inner strength, then you will inspire positive change in your partner.
When you are happy and confident you will automatically become more loving and affectionate towards your partner, in ways that she needs and appreciates.
It is not selfish to put yourself first.
When you focus on loving yourself, nurturing your self-esteem, connecting with your inner strength, and growing your self-confidence, you are not being selfish. You are building the foundation on which to love your partner more intensely and more deeply than ever before. Working on yourself in this way will give you the keys to a successful relationship, and will set up the conditions for a more happy and fulfilled life.
If you are interested in reading more about successful relationships I can recommend these two articles in particular:
7 Keys to Long-Term Relationship Success This article in Psychology Today, gives a somewhat more scientific perspective.
12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget This post is more in line with some of the ideas I have talked about, and highlights the importance of acceptance and understanding.
Photo credits:
It’s All About Love© by Candida.Performa
Prairie Dog Love© by Thomas Hawk
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